Dear You,
If you could see me now, you’d have to see past my red and splotchy eyes and disregard the awkward tension that has now developed between us, and try to remember the girl you fell for in the first place.  I think you could do that.  

Does it really seem that long ago?  Do you remember her?  Do you remember me?  We went for walks a lot then (whether you had had too many drinks or not.)  At that time, you were drawn in by my innocence, not pushed away by it as you are now.  You were attracted to the moral energy I possessed, not repelled by it.

We had a beautiful first kiss, didn’t we? (and second, and third and sixtieth)  We fell asleep in each other’s arms a lot, and I can still smell your skin.  We laughed so much when we were together, and we were together a lot.  Twelve hours just never seemed long enough did it?

Well, now it’s over.  Thinking back on it isn’t going to change that.  I’m not sure that I fully understand why you wanted out, but don’t worry…I don’t need to.

The night you said “goodbye,” I was shaking and crying.  You didn’t take my hand and comfort me like you did on all the other occasions that I had cried around you.  You didn’t tell me it would be alright, or lift my chin up and kiss me softly like you would have before.  You just watched me cry.  You didn’t know what to do.  But when I hiccupped, just like I always used to (just like you always loved) you couldn’t help but smile weakly, wipe the tears from my cheek, and say quietly, “I’m sorry.”

So I can’t hate you, and I don’t. (although God only knows I’ve tried.)  I don’t look down on you either, although I am missing you (god, do I miss you.)  I miss the boy you used to be at least.  You’ve changed a lot, did you know that?

Don’t jump to conclusions.  I am not writing this to beg and plead for you to take me back.  No…that would be useless (and ultimately unwise).  Instead, I’m writing this simply for closure.

An absolution.

I know that I need it and chances are you do too.

So, let me start with telling you-despite all this- that I really really loved you (and to be honest, I still do.)  You were my first love, and though I know I wasn’t yours, I need you to know that.

And now, it’s hard for me to be sure if you felt the same way.  Or, for that matter, if you felt anything at all.  You fought so hard and then backed away so quickly- gave everything up for me and then gave me up for everything else.  I know that when you ended this, you didn’t want me erased from your life.  I know that you wanted us to be friends.  I know that you wanted me to be able to talk to you as easily as we could before.

But, I’m sorry, I don’t think I can be your friend.  I don’t think things will ever be anywhere near the way they were.  In fact, I don’t think I even know HOW to be your friend.  There are too many memories.  There’s too much past-too many feelings.  I’ve cried over you far too often and kissed you far too much.

I don’t know if you feel as lost and disoriented by all this as I do, but I want you to know that eventually,

Everything will be okay.

Yes, we both need time.  (Probably me more than you.)  We were a large part of each other’s lives, and you can’t deny that.  We need time to find ourselves again, to start over.

But, in the end, I hope that somewhere down the line we will be able to face each other, smile, and remember that perfect winter we spent in each other’s arms.  I hope that one day I can look at you and smile at what we once had together, but, at the same time, have no desire to have it back.

The truth is, I will never forget you.  You meant far too much to me to be forgotten.  I’ve loved you with all my capacity to love.  And I do not take love lightly.  Please, don’t forget me.  I hope I mean (or meant) more to you than that.

So, I guess all that’s left to say is goodbye.  I’m sorry we didn’t make it to forever.  I wish you a love that lasts a lifetime and more.  

(God, I’ll miss you.)  Love?,
                                            Me